I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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