You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
