**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i've created a new STD.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
