He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
