Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
