And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
