the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
