Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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