I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
