Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
