somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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