My liver just broke up with me...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
