We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
i need some magic done to my vagina
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize