I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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