ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
