Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
