It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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