Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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