I feel like abortions should bother me more
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
