She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
