The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
