One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
