I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize