i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
