I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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