I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
