never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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