Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize