so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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