How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
