Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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