Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize