There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
