WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize