i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
