I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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