So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
