Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You need Xanax blowdarts
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
