I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
