Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
