God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize