oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
