One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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