moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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