Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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