I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
