Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
