I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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