hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize