My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
