You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize