Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize