fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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