I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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