This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
