Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
