I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
