i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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