After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
