I just pynch a tree in the face
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
50% drunk capacity currently
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
