I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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